Dear Pastor, I am an affirming gay Christian Pt 1

In the next three weeks, I will write three articles about my beliefs as an affirming gay Christian to inspire and challenge. First, I seek to document my story for many members of the LGBTQI, especially Christians, to read and be encouraged. Second, I also seek to speak about what affirming theology means. Last, I seek to challenge the non-affirming Christians, especially Christian leaders, to think about loving and caring ways of treating us in their churches because we are present. Some of us, like myself, not only want to be present, but I also want to be known. I want to be known and not hide that I am an affirming gay Christian. It is all for the lives of the LGBTQI members, the church, and society. So today, I’ll begin where I began wrestling with my sexuality.

Young age

Wrestling with my sexuality has been part of my life since I was very young. By seven years, I wrestled with understanding my gender. Society told me different messages about my gender based on my soft temperament. Some people thought I was a girl in the body of a boy. I also saw myself following a girl’s development pattern. I wanted to play with girls, cook, put on make-up, and I did all those things. I didn’t see myself following a boy’s development pattern. I didn’t like playing with boys, didn’t like playing rough, teasing, etc. At least, I was told that is how girls and boys developed.

Worse, I had already had a sexual encounter with a guy by the age of seven years. Today, I term that experience a sexual assault despite the lack of age difference between myself and the perpetrator. I wasn’t meant to be introduced to sex at that age, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I only followed the guidance of the perpetrator. This experience indeed placed a spin on my journey to determine my sexuality.

^{“…being gay is God’s good plan for my life.”}

Christian Upbringing

Christianity has been part of my life experience from a young age. I was baptized at the Roman Catholic Church as an infant. My mom took us to our church almost every Sunday, and my grandmother took us to an Anglican Church when mom couldn’t take us. By my teenage years, I had decided to go to church by myself. I didn’t understand many things taught, but it always felt like home. At eighteen, I committed my life to Christ, and I hoped that my battle against my sexuality would come to an end. It was no longer about my gender but same-sex attraction. However, I didn’t know that I would continue wrestling.

^{“…I am Christian too, and that’s most important”}

Various beliefs

I’ll turn thirty this year, and I have wrestled with my sexuality throughout my Christian life, holding different beliefs. I have believed that my sexuality will be delivered or healed and that I’ll become straight. It is the narrative I told the first guy who wanted us to date a few months after committing my life to Christ.[1]

Then I believed that I would not change when I didn’t see change. I started living with my same-sex attractions, but I didn’t act on them. I believed in the non-affirming theology that I read on blog sites like The Gospel Coalition and Desiring God, and it helped me for many years.[2] It helped me mourn that my sexuality wouldn’t change, but I could live without acting on my feelings. I didn’t want to be gay, and I thought celibacy would be a great alternative. Society had made me feel that being different, especially with my sexuality, was undesirable.

The church, in my context, preached that being affirming is wrong and sinful.[3] Recently, I turned a new page of my life in my journey with my sexuality, where being gay is God’s good plan for my life. I now accept that I am gay, and I am proud of it. However, it’s not only about being gay, but I am Christian too, and that’s most important.

The next steps

If you want to stop reading these articles today, I will understand. No one is obliged. However, I would like to invite you to this journey where I share a perspective that has helped me integrate my faith, being and sexuality. It is also a challenge to what Christian communities can do to integrate affirming gay Christians like myself into their communities. I will share it in the following articles. If you have burning questions, please wait until you read all articles to make sense of the entire story. The present article is only a fragment of my story. Check for weekly updates on my social media platforms.

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[1] It’s a narrative that many people believe, even to this day. However, evidence demonstrates that many people who have attempted sexual change through prayers and counselling have had little success. A large portion continues to experience same-sex attraction. Many come from a destructive lifestyle, and a change in their lifestyle seemed like a change in their sexuality. Still, an in-depth assessment has proven that same-sex attraction hardly changes. Check “Exodus International closure” for more information. Here is an example – https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/10/the-man-who-dismantled-the-ex-gay-ministry/408970/

[2] The second article will demonstrate how non-affirming theology helped me live with my faith and sexuality as separate entities without acting on my feelings. Still, it didn’t help me integrate my faith, being, and sexuality. As a result, I have abandoned it.

[3] The church, in my context, has preached varied messages using different resources and spaces, such as the pulpit, blogs, podcasts, etc. The message has varied from arguing that same-sex attraction is sinful and same-sex attraction is not sinful but acting on it is sinful. Unfortunately, many Christians still don’t understand same-sex attractions. I still hear people referring to it as demon possession, and this belief is very harmful.